Saturday, July 30, 2016

So I had a baby!

Sorry it's been a while. I've been busy! I had a baby!!!

Her name is  Ridley Mara, born May 18, and she's the most amazing baby ever. She's huge and lovable and beautiful and pretty chill most of the time. She loves to be held and worn in her wraps and to go for walks in the sunshine. But back to the beginning...

She was born weighing 10 lbs 12 oz! She was huge (and still is). She has massive cheeks and she's just now starting to grow into them.

She's just a few days old in that picture. Still in the hospital. She lost weight pretty quickly because my milk didn't come in fast enough, so we had to supplement with donor milk for a few days. 

The first few weeks were rough. My hormones were making me have all kinds of feelings I wish I never had to experience. I was having a really hard time bonding and just didn't want to do much with the baby. Luckily that has all changed and I want to love on her all the time. Except when I can't get her to stop crying, then I could use some reinforcements. 

Now for the fun part, photos!

And her one month photo:

Shortly after one month she started smiling at us! It took us a while to be able to get pictures of her smiles, but as they came more often and we were able to reliably get her to smile at us, we got more of them.

I'm not very good at remembering to take pictures, but here are a few more between one and two months.

Two month photo:

She grew so much! She's now 14 lbs and 25 inches. She is already starting to outgrow some of her 6m clothes because she's so tall. Never thought I would have a tall kid! 

I'd say I'll try to keep up on here, but we all know I won't. I'll be back to post more at some point in the future, though. 

Saturday, December 5, 2015

You're So Strong!

**Angry rant incoming.**

You know what? Fuck you. It's not like I had much of a choice. You might as well tell me "you've been through a lot of really terrible shit, I'm so happy for you!"

How is this a compliment? Why is it so common to hear? No one is strong because their life has been uneventful or happy or carefree. They're strong because it was the only way to survive. They're strong because they have to be. They're strong because the option of being weak or passive was ripped away from them. They lost that option. It wasn't a choice they made.

It makes me so angry when people go around telling someone going through cancer treatment or recovering from a terrible tragedy that they're so strong and how it's a good thing. Like it somehow makes what they're going through okay because they can totally handle it. Or that it makes it easier for them because they have already been through so much to make them strong that whatever they're going through now must not be as hard for them as it would be otherwise. But that's even more bullshit. Of course it's difficult for them! And they shouldn't have to feel like they're somehow letting people down by falling apart because people build up this idea that they have to be so damn strong. (more on that HERE)

To all the strong people out there, I'm sorry you have to be so strong. I'm sorry you've ever had to be strong. I'm sorry for whatever made you strong in the first place.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Joan Alda

"I got a much greater understanding of what she went through – especially the idea that her hallucinations took place in the same part of her brain that all of our nightmares take place. I have experienced what she went through, except I could wake up from it, and she never could." 

-Alan Alda speaking of his mother's battle with schizophrenia in an '05 interview with USA Today

Friday, March 27, 2015

It's Spring!

Well, it's finally spring! The sunshine is killing me. I was really hoping for more overcast/cloudy days when we moved here. Oh well! Still better than the feet of snow in the winter and heat and humidity in the summer!

So the Abilify was a bust. It didn't seem to help much and it caused some really bad edema in my left leg/foot. I never really got to see if it would help or not. So I'm back to the higher dose of Haldol while we wait. I'm not sure I want to bother adding anything else right now. Is it even worth it? I mean, the Haldol works, it just makes me blah. And that's even getting better now that I've been taking it longer. Plus it doesn't make me gain weight like so many others do.

My bigger concern is that I'm hoping to get pregnant soon and when I do I'll be going off my meds altogether because I'm not willing to take those risks.

Speaking of getting pregnant, I will be scheduling my saline sonohystogram soon and once that gets done we can hopefully either figure out what's going on or just try and see what happens. I've got to get lucky eventually, right? Ugh. That sounds awful. But I want a kid so fucking bad.

As terrified as I am that it might ever be a reality, I still want a kid. My life just seems so empty right now. I love having the kids from the neighborhood over. I love it more than I can explain. Watching Blake play with them and teach them things and how he interacts with them. *sigh* It's what I want more than anything else in the world.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

New meds and babies

Well, we were trying to add Abilify in hopes of lowering my dose of Haldol. I'm thinking it's not going to work. I've been having more and more symptoms recently. At first I thought it was fine, but it's been a few weeks now and the hallucinations are coming back.

After a birth control failure and chemical pregnancy we've decided to think about starting to try for a baby again. While this is super exciting news, it's also terrifying. I don't want to be on any psych meds while pregnant and I'm iffy about it while trying to get pregnant. So that means learning to deal with the hallucinations and paranoia again. I've been having a hard time with auditory hallucinations recently. They're so distracting. I usually know they're hallucinations, but still.

Blake is scared about me going off the meds. I'm totally ready to stop them. I know I can do this. It's not going to be easy, but I can do it. It'll be a few months before that happens, so plenty of conversations about it to be had. But I think I can do it.

I need to take a few months to make sure my vit B levels are where they should be since I've had a history of spina bifida. I don't want to risk that. So at my appointment today I'll be asking for a new prescription of methyl folate. I've only been taking it sporadically the last few months.