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Monday, August 12, 2013

It's been a while.

So things have been up and down lately.  Time seems to be passing and I don't really feel like I have anything to do with reality.  I don't know how to explain it.  Like things are happening around me, but I'm not really there.  I feel very disconnected from my life.

We got the genetic testing results back from the doctor and everything looked good.  I've been eating gluten free for almost 2 months now and taking lots of vitamins and supplements to get my levels back to where they should be.  Hopefully that's enough to make this happen.

I've been in a lot of physical pain lately.  I'm mostly blaming the weather, but I'm also not on any pain meds right now, so I'm sure that's not helping.  I can't sleep.  When I am able to, I feel like I can't wake up.  I walk around feeling like a zombie all day, but not able to actually sleep.  I need to get back to the sleep specialist to figure out if anything can be done to help my sleep situation.  It's been bad.

My moods have been pretty up and down.  Well, that's not completely accurate.  I don't feel like I ever really get depressed or manic since being off the meds.  But I do get very agitated over things that shouldn't bother me.  Sometimes it just takes a song making a weird noise and it's like I flip my shit and can't calm down.  I hate it.  I wish I could just think rationally at moments like that, but I can't.  I lose it and I feel so awful and out of control.  All over a fucking weird noise.

Come to think of it, I think the large majority of my irrational outbursts/feelings are sound/noise related.  I don't like things that sound strange or obnoxious or suddenly get loud or even quiet things that are so quiet I can't quite make them out.  I just can't handle it.  It's sort of the same with bright lights or flashing signs or the background of a TV show.  Any sort of flashing bright anything and I get this horrible feeling like something is so completely wrong.  It's very similar to a panic attack, but without the fear.  I just get angry and irrational and so completely overwhelmed by it all.

I have been able to find solace in reading forums online.  I'm trying to be social and it's kind of nice.  I don't have to be anything I don't feel like being and I don't have to worry about what people think of me because they have no idea who I am.  That's not to say I don't care what they think of me, but I don't have to pretend to be anyone I don't want to be.  I can be me.  I don't have to explain anything.  They don't have to know that I'm anything but average.  And that's comforting.  There's no pressure to hide who I am.  Though, honestly, I still do.

We've decided to go ahead and try and get pregnant again even though the losses this year were really hard on both of us.  I'm really hoping we get lucky this month or next, because if we don't I think I'll have to stop.  I really need to get back on my meds.  Being off of them was never a long term solution.