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Tuesday, December 17, 2013

3 hours

I leave for the airport in just over 3 hours and I can't sleep.  I barely slept last night, so I should be tired, but my mind just won't quit.  I'm terrified to be around a bunch of people I don't really know (and the sister that thinks I'm making up all my health issues) for 2 weeks.  I'm terrified that something will happen and Blake won't be there to help me.  I did get new medical alert necklace with my aunts phone number instead of Blake's, so at least if I do end up in the hospital they'll have someone local to contact.

I got all packed today and I'm sure I'm missing something important.  I still don't have a new wheelchair, so I'll only have my walker.  I'm really hoping they're not expecting me to do a lot of walking or I'm screwed.  I've been debating bringing the loaner chair I have, but I can't push myself in it because the arm rests are too high and I can just barely reach the wheels.  So if I did bring it I would be completely dependent on someone else, which I don't like.  So I'm leaving it and just taking my crappy walker.

On the up side I'm really excited to maybe meet a friend that I met online a few months ago.  She lives in Portland and assuming we can both get an afternoon free we're planning to meet up for lunch.  I really hope it works out.  I'm sure I could use the break from family for a while.

I'm a bit worried about leaving Blake home alone.  I'm worried he's not going to take care of himself.  I know it's silly, and surely he will, but I still worry.

Well, I should maybe try to lay down again.  Hopefully I'll have more luck this time.  But with my luck I'll probably lie there wide away until 20 minutes before I have to get up and then exhaustion will hit me like a MAC truck.  Here's to hoping I can actually get some sleep.

Monday, December 16, 2013

And more testing

I had my post-op appointment this morning and surprise surprise, they still have no idea why I keep miscarrying.  My doctor ordered more labs that I had done a couple years ago but he's wanting to re-do them just in case because he's out of ideas.  Assuming they all come back normal, he wants to send me to an RE for more specific testing.  I don't know, though.  Taking that step scares the shit out of me.  It's like admitting defeat that something is definitely wrong.

I'm still looking for new doctors since my GP doesn't accept Medicaid.  But of the 8 practices I've tried to get in with that say they're accepting new patients, all of them have turned me down for some bullshit reason or another.  I still need a new psychiatrist as well, but there seems to only be the one group of psychiatrists in town and I don't trust them.  There's something creepy going on there and I'm not risking them poisoning me and ruining my life again.

On the upside I'm leaving for Oregon in less than 2 days!  So hopefully that will be a nice break from all this.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Lab results are in.

Well, I guess I haven't updated in a while.  So first things first, I'm not pregnant anymore.  I went in at just over 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat as usual.  Everything looked great, everything was forming/growing normally up until just before the scan, but no heartbeat.  So that sucked.

We had a few more tests done and I got those results today.  Everything came back normal.  So still no closer to knowing why this keeps happening than we were a few years ago.

The next guess is that maybe it's my weird breathing thing that no one has ever been able to figure out.  My MFM thinks maybe I'm just too hypoxic and something about when it switches over to the placenta it's causing problems.  I don't know.  It made sense when he said it and I thought I had a grasp on it but now I'm a little more confused.  Essentially, if I want to try to get pregnant again he'll be more diligent with checking my O2 levels and maybe put me on oxygen during the pregnancy.  Assuming we try again.

I'm still not sure what I want to do.  I'm sick of being told that since there was no reason the chances of it happening again are so slim because clearly that's done me no good in the past and it just makes me more frustrated/sad that the chances are so slim and yet I still can't stay pregnant because my body fucking hates me.

So here I am.  Sad and quickly on my way to becoming an alcoholic.  Okay, not really because I'm aware and I'm not going to be drinking so much anymore, but I would be perfectly fine being drunk and only half-aware for the next few months.