Saturday, December 13, 2014
Monday, November 3, 2014
Anyways, she scheduled me for a tilt table test (my least favorite test ever), another 4 week event monitor, an ECG, and a treadmill test. So that should be fun or something. After paying more attention I'm skeptical if I even need all that done. I don't pass out hardly at all anymore. Though I also do almost nothing so I don't really have any risks.
I managed to get off my ass and go for a walk finally. The haldol makes me so lazy. I still managed to walk the standard 2 mile block that I had been walking, so that's good. I've gained like 10-15 lbs in the last few weeks and it needs to stop NOW. I already need to lose a good 75 lbs, I don't need to make that any harder.
I need more recipe ideas. I feel like I'm probably not eating enough veggies, but food just doesn't sound good lately. I don't know. I'll work on it.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
I don't have to see the asshole psychiatrist anymore after my case worker sat in on one of our appointments and saw how much of a dick he was. So I have a new one I'm going to start seeing next Friday. Hopefully it goes well.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Anyways, I'm not a pet person. I never really have been. However, I'm stuck in this weird position of wanting a pet. Probably a cat, but maybe a dog. A therapy dog specifically. I saw this video of a girl that has a therapy dog to help her know when she's about to pass out, which would be so freaking awesome. I want that.
So, if you didn't have a pet growing up, how did you decided to get a pet as an adult? Were you hesitant about it? What if you hated it? AH! I want a pet. I want the company. I just don't see myself having a connection like that and being able to care for an animal. How did you decide what kind of animal to get?
Someone help me make a decision.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
I used Splat Purple Desire and I really like it so far. We'll see how long it keeps its pretty color. Hopefully my forehead doesn't stay stained for too long.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
So I was in the hospital, got my meds, and have been doing pretty well. But, of course, things can't go well forever. It was time to see my new psychiatrist. So, as always, I try really hard to prepare for my appt and know what I want to say and how I want to say it and what I need to do to get my points across as clearly as possible. I talked to my husband for hours the night before making sure I would have it all together.
Then comes the appointment. He asks a million questions in rapid fire succession and I know I ended up making up answers for at least a couple because I was just so confused. When I would try to ask for clarification he would just go to the next question. With no tact at all he starts talking about how he had gotten the records that showed I had several unsuccessful pregnancies. Then he moves right along to my sexual abuse history. You can fill in the blanks for here.
So after an extremely exhausting and long session of questions he tells me that there's nothing wrong with me. That since I cried when he brought up my history of rape (let's ignore the fact that he just said some shitty things about all my babies) that I must just have PTSD and I don't need meds.
Say what now?
Then, when I question it, he tells me that absolutely everything I'm experiencing is because of PTSD. Okay, great. I know I have/had PTSD, but that 100% absolutely does NOT explain everything. Not to mention thanks to the most amazing therapist ever I don't really deal with PTSD anymore. Is it still difficult? Yes, and it always will be. But it doesn't interfere with my ability to function and does not explain all/any my symptoms.
So he tells me I don't need to take my meds anymore because antipsychotics won't do anything for PTSD, I need high dose antidepressants, but since I don't show any signs of depression (this should be a red flag, no?) that I don't even need that. So I'm now very emotional and frustrated beyond what I can hide. I tell him I'm frustrated and he tells me he thinks I probably just have borderline personality disorder. He reads me a list of symptoms and I fit a whopping one of them. ONE! And even that was questionable because the only one that fit was suicidal behavior because of my recent hospital stay. Well, it must be that I just have borderline traits, then. Of course it must. *Insert massive eye roll.*
It also must be that you're more dense than a box of rocks. I was crying because I was sad about (as he said) "failing at TTC." I was sad talking about my history with rape because it also brings with it all the memories of my baby Jackson. So yes, I was crying, but it had very little, if anything, to do with PTSD because I had an abusive past.
I hate this doctor. He even told me that because I could eventually logically deduce that my dishwasher does not actually talk to me, that I must not actually have hallucinations because he has another patient that has to turn his fan off because it bothers him so much. So let's ignore that it freaked me the fuck out and I had to leave the apartment for a bit, the fact that I could eventually think about it logically enough to tell myself it's probably not real means that I don't really have hallucinations. Because there's no way two people could experience and cope with things differently. Nope.
I swear, if I was in better physical shape it would 100% be worth going to jail just so I could beat the shit out of him for making me feel even crazier.
So he took me off my meds, and I was off of them for a couple days. At first it wasn't too bad. I thought I might be able to do this. But then it started getting worse. Yesterday it go so bad my husband had to come home from work early and convince me to take the meds again and just sleep until they started working. It was a shitty day.
Today is a little better. I took the meds again and went for a long walk in the rain. It was nice, though now I really want a light rain jacket. Wet everything gets annoying.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
I see my case manager tomorrow. She's taking me to finally go get a bus pass so I can try and be more active. Hopefully I can figure out the buses. It will be nice being able to do things whenever I want and not have to wait for Blake to do them with me.
I saw my new GP today. I like her. She put me back on muscle relaxers in hopes it would help with the spasms I'm having and is sending me to a PT to see if there's anything (besides a boob reduction and/or losing 50 lbs) that can help the issues with my back. I've also go referrals for a rheumatologist, neurologist, and cardiologist. So I guess I should get on setting up those appointments.
I have to do another 48 hr Holter Monitor before seeing the cardiologist, so I need to set that up as well. But they always make me nervous. I never know if I should let myself pass out more so they can tell what's going on, but then risk hurting myself. Or if I should try and be careful, not hurt myself, and risk them thinking I'm fine and don't need help. I hate being watched. I'll probably just say fuck it and continue to not see a cardiologist until I'm back in the hospital because the whole thing just stresses me out.
I started watching Kill la Kill on Netflix and it seems pretty good so far. I'm only on episode 3, but I like it. Makes me wish I was still 100 lbs and had a sewing machine. So many awesome cosplay options!
But seriously, I need a new sewing machine and serger. I miss being able to make things whenever I feel like.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Thursday, August 7, 2014
Being strong does not mean boxing up your emotions and being stoic in the face of tragedy. It does not mean never crying when something awful happens. It does not mean you can endure endless pain. It is not synonymous with not having or showing emotion. I think it means quite the opposite.
Being strong means knowing how to take care of yourself and keep going. It means asking for help when you need it, even when you don't want to admit you need help. It means when something awful happens, you don't run away and hide forever. You don't give up or back down. It means no matter how helpless, hopeless, or weak you feel, you get out of bed. You push through and keep going until you make it out the other side.
Hiding from your emotions, denying them, and never facing them is the easy way out. And not even that easy, if we're being honest. To look at your situation, accept that it's awful, and express how you feel about it in whatever way you're comfortable with takes strength. Coping with triggers, accepting you cannot control the situation, and learning to keep going takes strength.
So many times we hear people, or even ourselves, say "you need to be strong." And somehow that's supposed to mean stop crying and thinking about it and just pretend everything is normal. Just ignore whatever terrible thing is going on and brick up all those socially unacceptable emotions. That is not strength. That is hiding. You're forcing yourself to avoid confronting and processing this event. But hiding from it will only continue to get harder and make you feel weaker as you force this facade of strength.
Being strong takes courage. It means feeling all those negative emotions and having the strength to not let them take over your life and define you. Strength comes in learning how to accept and appropriately cope with the negative emotions and thoughts that we all experience. It's taking a deep breath and doing what needs to be done.
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
That is, except lately I've been listening to music 24/7 and I am so thankful for it. It's the only thing that can drown out the voices and noises and whatever else. I went in to the kitchen this morning to get my coffee and the dishwasher was trying to give me advice. It's like I'm stuck in a fucking kids book. The air conditioner is probably next.
A couple days ago I was out exercising and B got home early so he came with me for part of my walk. It was really nice having him there. We had a few really good conversations and he made me laugh a lot. We got home and showered and then I was going to borrow the car to get some groceries. I go out to get in the car and it's not there. I freak out thinking it's been stolen. I go back inside to ask him if he maybe parked it somewhere else, but I couldn't find him.
Sure enough, he didn't get home early. I was that crazy person laughing and talking and holding conversation with myself for an hour. I was the one yelling at the wall outside the complex when I thought he was there yelling at me.
Usually I can tell a difference and know when something is likely just a hallucination, but lately it's been getting harder to tell. I'm afraid to leave the apartment when things like this start happening. There are so many what ifs and so many awful scenarios that I just can't let myself risk.
So until I can manage to find doctors and get back on meds this is my life. But at least I have the internet and my fans at the NSA always watching me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Monday, July 21, 2014
Ugh. But I will do it. I've had the same therapist all my life, except for a year when I moved away for college and tried to find a new one but gave up after seeing 4 idiots. We'll see.
It's time to start getting my shit together for real. First things first, get back on all my meds. Which I'm really looking forward to actually. I'm so sick of being in pain and needing help to get out of bed. And being too crazy to leave the apartment. I want to not feel trapped for any reason. I got most of my insurance nonsense figured out, now I just need to make sure I know how this crazy Oregon insurance stuff really works.
But not today. Today I'm relaxing and enjoying my fresh baked cookies and finishing reading my book.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
I may or may not go ahead and follow through with getting the saline sono, but there doesn't seem to be much of a point. We've decided to no continue seeking treatment. B isn't comfortable with the odds and I completely support him in what he wants to do. I can't say I wasn't really hoping to find a way to make this work, but it is what it is.
So we'll just do our thing, go back to school for whatever we want to do since we don't really have to worry about having a good job to support a family. I don't know. We'll figure it out.
This week has been quite the roller coaster. I just want to sleep for a few weeks and hope this was all just some fucked up dream/nightmare.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Friday, July 11, 2014
So yeah, I don't know. I think talking to her made me want to try more and him want to just give up. So we'll have to figure that out before anything else. And there's still the possibility of fostering or adoption. Hopefully we'll get that figured out and decide what we're most comfortable with soon.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
I also got in contact with DHS and am very happy to say that I was not automatically turned down (I was in Indiana) for fostering/adoption! There are still quite a few extra hoops to jump through, but at least there are hoops and not just a brick wall! (Thank you so much ND for suggesting I try again!)
I've been having a hard time lately being stuck in this weird limbo not knowing if we're definitely going to be childless or not. Finding out about the chance to foster/adopt makes me a lot more hopeful, but very cautiously so.
In other news, we finally got our AC installed last week and it's been glorious. Finally starting to really feel like home.
I've still been having a pretty rough time with hallucinations, but hopefully I'll be able to get in to a doctor before I end up inpatient again. I've been listening to a lot of music recently to try and drown it all out and it's helping some, but it only does so much. I'm sure once my stress levels go down some a lot of things will get better, but until then it's really frustrating.
I tried to figure out insurance stuff again this morning and got handed off to three different people before being sent back to the office I called in the first place and just gave up. I'm going to just have to go in to the office in person at some point, I think. I hate trying to deal with all this. I am all for the ACA, but damn did it make a lot of things a lot more confusing.
Anyways, I'm finally working on sorting through pictures of the trip. So hopefully I'll get some of those posted soon!
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
But still. It's actually finally happening!!! Not sure how we'll get it all worked out, but luckily Blake now works right down the street so it should be easy enough. AH! I'm so excited right now.
Friday, June 20, 2014
I am so glad that Blake got a job yesterday so I don't have to feel guilty for all the alcohol I'm going to be buying and drinking tonight.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
We've been searching craigslist looking for shared housing since we can't really afford a place of our own until Blake gets a job, but no one wants to rent to a couple. It's really lame. I have found so many really awesome places, but no such luck. The most frustrating part is that so many of them don't even reply. The first week I replied to 57 CL ads and only 3 got back to me. Of course, all three of those were unwilling to rent to a couple, but at least they actually acknowledged me!
Also, I want a real bed. An air mattress on the floor in the living room is only acceptable for so long.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
I've spent the large majority of my day curled up on the couch with my teddy bear crying and staring at a perfect ultrasound picture of our daughter that would have been due today. My husband was nice enough to bring me a bottle of wine and a chocolate bar and cry with me for a while.
I can't help but think of the what ifs and dream of what could have been. It's days like this that make me wonder how I could ever give up on having kids. I need to be back on my meds and I need to take time to get myself physically and mentally healthy again, but fucking hell I want a baby to hold in my arms and not just look at on a screen months/years after their heart has stopped beating.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Ha. Just realized I completely forgot to update when we finally made it!
Well, we're here. Made it here May 22nd. We have been frantically searching for jobs and housing ever since. We just got the call from the body shop that the car is fixed, so I got a train ticket and I'll pick it up Monday.
We met with a girl today about a place to live and I'm really hoping it's going to work out. With any luck, by the time I get back worth the car, we'll actually have a place to unpack our things!
Oh, and I managed to convince Blake to let me get Robo Rally! I fucking love this game and I can't wait to have more people to play it with. If you have never played it you should. And if you're in the market for a new game, this is it.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Fuck it. We're sick of waiting on insurance. We got a rental car and we're getting back on the road. Whenever the car is fixed we'll come back and get it.
PS- It's getting fixed. We found out from the body shop (as we were ready to get everything out of the car in case it was totaled) right after the insurance people refused to tell us.
Saturday, May 17, 2014
Every morning at breakfast (or when I got my hair cut or while standing in the check out line or where ever) people start talking to me. Of course, without fail, at some point they talk about their kids or grandkids and ask me how many kids I have or how old my kids are. Always. I've tried to answer this in different ways, but all seem equally shitty.
If I just do a blanket "I don't have kids" people assume I don't want them and tell me how lucky I am and usually continue to complain about their own.
If I tell them I am unable to have kids I get the awesome pitty face, an awkward apology, and the quick end to all future interaction. Maybe the best, but it still stings and makes me a bit sad even when I thought I was fine.
I tried telling the couple that talked to me this morning that I was hoping to one day, which was true to an extent ( just not likely to be possible) but still felt like a lie. But I couldn't handle being told how lucky I was or being pittied. That got me well intended, but still annoying, comments about how great kids are and how I better not put it off too long and a story about this girls friend that waited until she was 30 (oh the horror) to try to get pregnant only to find out she was infertile because she waited too long (I'm guessing this girl doesn't know what she's talking about now) and that poor girl is a mess and living with her mom because her husband left her? No idea. Long story short, I better have a baby soon or my life will fall apart and my friends will tell awful stories about how sad my life is because I can't/don't have kids. Noted.
Somehow that was even worse than the pitty. I don't even know what to do. I don't want to just be an asshole all the time, but I can't stand that small talk inevitably goes to kids every time. Why does no one talk to me about the weather?! I'm about to just give up and start telling them all to fuck off.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Sunday, May 11, 2014
I need to get out of here!
This higher elevation is miserable. As much as I pass out at only 200m above sea level 2,800m is making me feel like death. My heart is not happy.
I foolishly thought that getting in a hot tub would make my back hurt less (I fell and hit it on a chair) even though I've never been a huge fan of hot tubs. Well, now I remember why! Way to make things worse, Elann.
And the worst of it is that I don't have my walker or chair so I can't even pretend to be responsible and protect myself. I hate feeling trapped like this. There is so much to see and I'm afraid to get out of bed. Fuck this.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Well, they got a chance to look at it. Apparently the tie rod end broke and caused the car to hit the barrier that then punctured the tire. The parts had to be delivered from Denver, but were going to be there early enough that it would be fixed that day.
Then when they got things apart to start repairs they saw that the lower control arm and ball joint were also fucked. Not completely, but enough that driving was out of the question. Awesome. They could fix that, too. However, they would need to have those parts also delivered from Denver and they wouldn't get them until Monday.
But we found a not too shitty hotel for less than $100/night and free wifi. So I guess we'll make the best of it.
Plus, Blake is getting to take some nice pictures.
Oh, and silver lining, AAA might reimburse a portion!
Friday, May 9, 2014
Well, so much for driving late tonight. We got to Denver at sunset and since the weather was nice we decided to keep going. We went in to the Eisenhower tunnel and the roads were fine, we get out and the road has 3" of ice and snow.
It was snowing so much we could barely see the road. Fucking awesome. So we're creeping along at like 15 mph and slide in to the cement barrier. Only the tire hit, so at least there was no body damage, but the tie rod broke.
So we've been towed to Frisco, CO. Of course it happened at like 11p and everything is closed. So we're hanging out in a hotel until the repair shop opens.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
It's been a bit. Sorry. We stayed in New Orleans from Saturday to Monday. That was a lot of fun but it was so fucking sunny and hot. I got really bad heat rash and had a headache that wouldn't go away. Then we went to a beach and made some sand castles. That was fun, but I just kept feeling worse.
After we left LA we headed toward TX. It was still really hot, obviously, and Tuesday night i got really sick. I let Blake drive all day Wednesday as I slept and puked in the back seat. We got a hotel in some little town in KS. Blake really wanted a pool since the place we stayed in LA had their pool closed, so I
called half about a dozen places and this was the first place to actually have an open pool.
We're heading to Denver, CO then toward UT. No real reason just trying to get out of this upper 90's and sunny kind of weather for a few hours.
We're looking for a game shop close to wherever we'll be Friday (some place in UT) to stop and play FNM draft. So hopefully that works out.
Friday, May 2, 2014
We spent the evening at Beale Street in Memphis. It was fun. For dinner we had Lambert's. It was pretty awesome, too.
We messed with time lapsing some of the drive. But since I can't add that on mobile you'll have to wait. We didn't do too much driving today, more seeing random things and just relaxing.
We'll be in New Orleans most of the weekend, so I'm really looking forward to that.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Friday, April 25, 2014
We've been working ourselves way too much this last week trying to get everything taken care of. We're both so incredibly exhausted and just ready to leave.
We decided to ship some things, mostly clothes and books, so I packed the boxes a couple days ago. Yesterday? Some time before today. Then tonight I decided we were bringing too much stuff we didn't need, because there wasn't even room for the towels! I was way more irritated about this than was reasonable. I really need sleep.
So, of course, the only logical solution to this is to unpack all 3 boxes and go through everything to decide what we actually need to pack. I really shouldn't have packed them before we had everything accounted for in the first place, but oh well. I'm sure we kept a lot of clothes that are old and worn out that we had no reason to keep just because we weren't paying attention.
Tomorrow we're going to drop off the other car, full of stuff we're not taking with us, at my in-laws. Hopefully after that it will clear out enough that we can easily move around again! I feel like I'm going to trip and fall every time I even look at the living room. Today we dropped off 5 bags of stuff at the DAV thrift and a multicolored strobe light (fucking strobe light) at Goodwill. Yesterday we dropped off 2 or 3 bags. I already have 2 more ready to go. GET RID OF EVERYTHING!
Anyways, I really want to get pretty much everything done tomorrow because Sunday we made plans with pretty much everyone we know to see one last time. So our day is pretty packed. The goal is still to leave Monday morning, but as it's getting closer I think Tuesday is more likely. We'll see.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
We started packing the trunk already, and it seems like we're going to manage to get most of it to fit. I'm even able to keep a lot of my glassware! Though I am having to get rid of pretty much everything else. But glass is fucking expensive, so I was not looking forward to having to replace all that.
Shit is getting very real right now and I'm kind of freaking out. I've been having a lot of panic attacks and I'm really hoping that once we leave they will stop. I really do not want to get stuck in a hospital in the middle of this trip. Or at the end for that matter, but middle would be worse.
I'm so exhausted and sore all the time right now and I just want to be done with it all. I want to be on the road with no real destination and just be able to do whatever the fuck we feel like. I'm tempted to start counting down in hours.
Monday, April 21, 2014
I want to get it all cleaned and packed and ready to go RIGHT NOW, but obviously that's not happening. All the furniture is gone and all that's left is small things and cleaning the apartment before we leave. But it's still a lot of little things. We have 5-10 days before we're officially out of time, so I'm going to try my best to relax a bit and not overdo it.
However, this has all made me realize that maybe I'm not as capable of staying off all pain meds as I previously thought. I mean, I've not really been doing that much I didn't think. I've still been paying attention and limiting what all I do. But I really am just not capable of doing as much as I thought I could. Once we move to a place where I might actually want to get out and do things I'm probably going to have to get at least an as needed pain med of some sort. Just feels like admitting defeat.
I was so proud of myself for being able to go off of them in the first place, but looking back, I think the only reason I was able to be off of them for so long is because I didn't do jack shit with my life. Other than my 60 minutes a day of walking and general house cleaning I really don't do much of anything else. That has to change. I don't care if I have to be on pain meds and how much it feels like defeat, I really need to be more active. I want my life back.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Oh well. Guess plastic will have to do for now.
Monday, April 14, 2014
I'm afraid to turn the oven/stove on to cook anything, which makes for really shitty meals. I had microwaved canned soup for lunch today. I hate not being able to cook actual food. I'm going to get enough packaged shit on the trip, I don't want to start that terrible diet now.
It's starting to drive me mad, but at least maybe it'll help make me get used to being in the heat without wanting to die. ha. I'm terrified that the trip will be a miserable sweaty nightmare if you were wondering.
We're not really getting very far with getting rid of everything we own. I've been playing with space bags trying to see what all I can fit in them, though. So that's been a fun distraction. My next bit of wasting time will be seeing if I can shape them as I'm sucking the air out. Maybe I'll take a picture and show you how it turns out since I'm sure you're all very excited about the possibilities!
Also, my hair grows stupid fast and I need a haircut already. Now I'm remembering why I let it grow back out last time. Hair maintenance is an expensive bitch.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
I just seem to be having a really hard time after this last loss. I've lost 4 babies in less than a year. I really should have given it more time between pregnancies but I thought I would be okay. Clearly I was wrong. I was hoping that with the move I would be able to distract myself, but that doesn't seem to be working much either. I'm just stressing myself out more.
Having to find new doctors and get records transferred and having to explain myself and my history. I could definitely do without having to explain my history to a bunch of new doctors. But maybe I'll get lucky and one of them will be able to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and why my uterus hates babies so much.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
In other news, I'm finally not sick! So amazing to actually feel like doing things again. Oh, and I've officially paid off ALL of my medical bills. I currently have zero debt and it's amazing. It's going to be so awesome to be able to move and have a legitimately fresh start. I was really worried I wouldn't be able to manage it since we decided to move early, but we did! I'm very proud of us for that.
As for us moving, I'm beginning to get overwhelmed. So much is going to need to happen all at once when it comes time to leave. Plus, once we get there it's going to be a rush to look for places and get jobs so we can actually sign a lease somewhere because no one wants to lease to people that don't have jobs. I think right now the plan is to stay at an extended stay hotel for a couple weeks while we get things in place. So that will just add to the adventure of it all. haha.
So far we only have one or two places we plan to visit between Indiana and Oregon and we really need to come up with more ideas. I'm definitely stopping to see my friend in CA, but that will be the last stop before heading to Portland. We may or may not visit the Grand Canyon. Something about visiting AZ in May just seems like certain death. We'll see how the weather is, but we'll probably just suck it up and go since neither of us have been.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
I want to make pancakes. I've gotten one or two things out to make them several times in the last 12 hours but I just can't get the motivation to actually do it. They sound good and it makes me happy to cook things, but I just get so stuck. I don't know.
At least I managed to do the laundry and dishes yesterday. I even paid some bills. So at least I'm not completely useless. I just really hate this feeling and now I no longer have a therapist because I saw her for the last time earlier this week, and it's too late to get a new psychiatrist because I'm leaving in a month and there would be no point because I would have no one to make adjustments. But I know I need to do something or find some way to make it happen because my hallucinations are getting a little worse and I know the things I'm thinking just aren't right. So we'll see.
I've got a headache this morning and the city has decided to mess with their tornado sirens. They usually do a short test on Fridays at 11a, but today they did a 10 minute something where the siren just kept winding up and getting loud and then making weird noises. I don't know. But if it goes off again at 11a I'm giving up on today and just going back to bed. **EDIT: I just realized it's not even Friday.
Meanwhile, I need coffee and food.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
I still have that appt with the RE on the 21st, so I guess I'll go ahead and keep that. Depending what he says we'll make a decision on what to do then, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I think it's probably time to give up on this dream and move on somehow.
Hopefully moving to Oregon will at least improve my mobility and health a little and I can maybe get out and get a job or something. If I'm never going to have a kid then there's nothing keeping me from taking more risks. Starting with exercise. I'm so sick of having to be so careful not to hurt myself. I want to run and I don't care if it means I'm stuck in bed for several days following. I miss it and I clearly need more exercise anyways, so I'm doing it.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
I want to move now even more than before. I just want to get out of here and run away from all this shit.
Friday, February 21, 2014
However, that's just what I've read online when I was looking in to it. So maybe (hopefully) they do things differently now. Who knows. I usually just do a Holter monitor, so this one is new to me.
In other news, I'm starting a different exercise routine tomorrow. I'm going to try to increase how much I walk each day. Hopefully it will help give me a little more energy. I'm so fucking exhausted lately I just never want to get out of bed.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Monday, February 17, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
But all is well. Now we just have to decide if we're going to put moving on hold or move across the country when I'm very pregnant. Decisions decisions. Honestly it really just depends on how April goes. If everything is looking good/healthy in April we will probably move. If there are any sort of complications, we'll stay.
Ah! I'm so excited.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
So hopefully I'll be able to keep from being quite so anxious while I'm there and can actually get something useful out of the appointment. We'll see.
Meanwhile, operation distraction begins!
Friday, January 24, 2014
I've been in a shitty mood since last night, and today has only made it worse. I was mostly doing okay, though. Just avoiding saying anything to anyone because I know I would have nothing nice to say. So I've been binge watching things on Netflix and YouTube. Then I went to check the mail because Blake is expecting a delivery. It wasn't there, only two letters and some adds. The two letters? One was a survey from the hospital asking about my experience during my surgery in November (i.e. my most recent D&C from yet another failed pregnancy), and the other was the new patient paperwork from the RE. Awesome. Way to remind, this weekend of all times, that I fucking fail.
I just want to give up on everything. I honestly don't know why I'm still trying. But at least I've got alcohol on my side. I can't even really bitch on here. I just feel like shit, what else is there to say?
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
I've had a headache for a few days and it's been getting worse. It wouldn't worry so much if it hadn't started the morning after I headbutted the door. I'm also getting a lot of random pins and needles bullshit in my legs that started Friday. So that's promising.
But good news is that I actually have a doctor again! I've been trying for months to find a new doctor, but everywhere I tried told me that either they weren't accepting new patients, that my application had been denied or put on hold or oh they actually aren't accepting new patients right now and I filled out an application for no reason (somehow this always felt like they were lying to me), or the only one that actually made me not feel like shit, that the doctor didn't feel comfortable treating me because he didn't know enough about my random weird diseases/conditions. Apparently all I needed to do was tell the ER doctor that I didn't have a GP anymore. Here I was for months just letting them leave my old doctor on there since I didn't have a new one yet.
They referred me to the hospital Medicine Clinic for follow-up when I told them that I didn't have a GP anymore. So I called and told them I had been referred and they said I needed to come in to fill out a new patient application. Great, so I went yesterday and got that filled out and turned in. Before leaving I asked how long it would be and she said they had a 6-8 week wait for new patient appts. Well fuck. So, of course, I sighed and got really disappointed/frustrated/whatever because this search for a new doctor seems never ending. She suggested a few other places I should try and I told her about how I'd tried those and either been denied or told it would be 2+ months. As we were talking she looked at my application and realized that I had been referred by the ER which automatically puts me at #1 on the list. Perks! Apparently the person that was answering the phones Friday didn't actually work in that department, she was just filling in, so she didn't know I didn't have to fill out an application. So yeah, I have an appt with my new doctor next Tuesday!
Well that wasn't what I had planned on talking about, but now that I did I don't remember what I was planning to say. So there you go. Me bitching about doctors.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
I want to get all my medical bills paid off before we go, so we're trying to not spend anything on extra stuff for a while so I can try and get them paid off quickly. I'm even going to try and stop drinking, or at least not drink as much, because that's an easy place to save quite a bit.
I have a Google Drive spreadsheet that I'm using to list everything move related and it makes me happy. I've started looking at apartments out there and it's going to be so awesome. The goal right now is to move before next winter. So, sometime this fall, probably after Thanksgiving. As much as I love the snow, my body just can't take Indiana weather. Plus, in Portland the high today is almost 50°f and here it's not even going to get above freezing and there's a foot of snow on the ground. I feel like wearing sandals.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Anyways, when I came to I couldn't move without so much pain it made me feel ill. But I managed to get out of the way so that Blake could help me and we got to the hospital somehow. I felt terrible and awkward because apparently it was the same nurse and doctor that I had Monday. The doctor came in and talked to Blake like he had really read my history or something and it was a little strange until Blake explained. Queue the shame. And I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but I am. I hate that one day I can be mostly normal and fully functional, and the next be so completely mental that it takes multiple police officers to strap me down to a bed so I don't hurt myself running away from a man that doesn't even exist.
So, derailed a bit there. But yeah. Sprained neck, lots of bruises, massive headache. That's pretty much the gist of it.
In other news, I REALLY need to find a cardiologist. This shit is getting annoying.
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
Then I was in the bus station. He told me to sit there and not move or the device in my head would explode and kill me. I could NOT stand up. I could NOT move from that seat. I was at the bus station for at least a couple hours sitting there. Alone. Terrified.
Luckily Blake was able to locate me and come to my aid. But it wasn't enough. I didn't really know who he was. I was terrified. Several police and EMTs took me off to the hospital to strap me down and give me a dozen shots of I don't know what and strap me down some more because I was freaking out. I don't remember much, but apparently I was able to get out of all the restraints and was running down the street before the police brought me back and strapped me down some more and better.
I now have bruises all over, I'm feeling miserable, and I have no idea what to do. I tried to find a new psychiatrist, but no one is accepting Medicaid. The only place in town that I could get in with could get me in as early as the middle of March! This was in response to my follow up in 1-2 days from the ER.
All this craziness with the ACA is really messing with the ability of anyone to get in to the doctor to get the services they need. I'm really kicking myself for not working harder the last couple months to get in solidly with my doctors.
So now I'm sucking it up and hoping that I can get in with the shittiest psychiatrist I've ever heard of just so I can maybe get something to help me in an emergency like what happened Monday. I don't know. We'll see. It's an hour drive to see him, and I already know he's shit. My therapist tried to talk me out of it even. So you know it can't be good.
I don't know. Something has to happen.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Meanwhile, I'm going to change my diet. More raw veggies and more calories per day. I always think I eat so many calories, but when I write it down I'm really not getting enough. I'm going to try to go back to planning my meals for the week ahead of time. So often I don't have many option because I never know what to get at the grocery so I just don't really eat. No more of that. I think I'm going to go get more food storage containers that I can freeze to make prep a lot easier.
I'd really like to lose at least 50 lbs this year, but for right now I'll focus on just losing 15. So here goes.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Unfortunately, I also discovered that I am no longer cut out for flying. I used to LOVE flying. I love airports and watching the planes, but my heart was not happy with all the pressure changes associated with flying. I passed out several times on take off and landing of each flight and on 2 of them were met by paramedics to make sure everything was okay. Not fun. Which also means that I should actually try a little harder to find another cardiologist. Boo.
So no more flying for me. Luckily, I also really like trains!
But yeah. My sister got married and all seemed to go well. It was a pretty stressful couple of weeks but it all worked out.
So now back to real life and trying to sort things out. I had to get some labs drawn yesterday (that I was supposed to have done before I left for OR) and it ended up being 12 vials and a few grand. Hopefully it's worth it and they find something to give me some answers.
And now back to trying to clean up the disaster that happens when you leave someone home alone for too long.