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Sunday, January 26, 2014

New Doctor

I see my new doctor Tuesday morning and I'm already kind of freaking out.  I absolutely hate going to new doctors.  I suck at explaining things.  I end up getting so nervous that I spend the whole time talking about one small issue that isn't even really that big of a deal and completely forgetting to mention the huge issue that I went in to talk about in the first place.  It doesn't help that I go off on tangents really easily when asked random questions. 

So hopefully I'll be able to keep from being quite so anxious while I'm there and can actually get something useful out of the appointment.  We'll see.

Meanwhile, operation distraction begins!

Friday, January 24, 2014

Fuck Today.

I'm angry today.  Or I'm sad.  I don't know, it's somewhere in the middle.  But either way, fuck it.

I've been in a shitty mood since last night, and today has only made it worse.  I was mostly doing okay, though.  Just avoiding saying anything to anyone because I know I would have nothing nice to say.  So I've been binge watching things on Netflix and YouTube.  Then I went to check the mail because Blake is expecting a delivery.  It wasn't there, only two letters and some adds.  The two letters?  One was a survey from the hospital asking about my experience during my surgery in November (i.e. my most recent D&C from yet another failed pregnancy), and the other was the new patient paperwork from the RE.  Awesome.  Way to remind, this weekend of all times, that I fucking fail.

I just want to give up on everything.  I honestly don't know why I'm still trying.  But at least I've got alcohol on my side.  I can't even really bitch on here.  I just feel like shit, what else is there to say? 

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

It's Tuesday.

I feel absolutely terrible today.  I started feeling bad yesterday but I just figured it was because I was really stupid and didn't eat well the day before.  But now I'm not so sure.

I've had a headache for a few days and it's been getting worse.  It wouldn't worry so much if it hadn't started the morning after I headbutted the door.  I'm also getting a lot of random pins and needles bullshit in my legs that started Friday.  So that's promising.

But good news is that I actually have a doctor again!  I've been trying for months to find a new doctor, but everywhere I tried told me that either they weren't accepting new patients, that my application had been denied or put on hold or oh they actually aren't accepting new patients right now and I filled out an application for no reason (somehow this always felt like they were lying to me), or the only one that actually made me not feel like shit, that the doctor didn't feel comfortable treating me because he didn't know enough about my random weird diseases/conditions.  Apparently all I needed to do was tell the ER doctor that I didn't have a GP anymore.  Here I was for months just letting them leave my old doctor on there since I didn't have a new one yet.

They referred me to the hospital Medicine Clinic for follow-up when I told them that I didn't have a GP anymore.  So I called and told them I had been referred and they said I needed to come in to fill out a new patient application.  Great, so I went yesterday and got that filled out and turned in.  Before leaving I asked how long it would be and she said they had a 6-8 week wait for new patient appts.  Well fuck.  So, of course, I sighed and got really disappointed/frustrated/whatever because this search for a new doctor seems never ending.  She suggested a few other places I should try and I told her about how I'd tried those and either been denied or told it would be 2+ months.  As we were talking she looked at my application and realized that I had been referred by the ER which automatically puts me at #1 on the list.  Perks!  Apparently the person that was answering the phones Friday didn't actually work in that department, she was just filling in, so she didn't know I didn't have to fill out an application.  So yeah, I have an appt with my new doctor next Tuesday!

Well that wasn't what I had planned on talking about, but now that I did I don't remember what I was planning to say.  So there you go.  Me bitching about doctors.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

We're Moving!

I really hope this is actually happening.  We've set a budget on what we're going to save before we go and roughly how much we're willing to spend on rent and where we want to live when we first move out there (Portland, OR).  I was looking at moving vans/trucks and I think it would just be easier and cheaper for us to sell what we have now and get new stuff when we get there.  We don't have a lot of stuff, so we'll just take what will fit in my car and call it good enough.  I'm sure there is a lot that we're not thinking of right now, but holy shit we're actually being serious about talking about it!

I want to get all my medical bills paid off before we go, so we're trying to not spend anything on extra stuff for a while so I can try and get them paid off quickly.  I'm even going to try and stop drinking, or at least not drink as much, because that's an easy place to save quite a bit.

I have a Google Drive spreadsheet that I'm using to list everything move related and it makes me happy.  I've started looking at apartments out there and it's going to be so awesome.  The goal right now is to move before next winter.  So, sometime this fall, probably after Thanksgiving.  As much as I love the snow, my body just can't take Indiana weather.  Plus, in Portland the high today is almost 50°f and here it's not even going to get above freezing and there's a foot of snow on the ground.  I feel like wearing sandals.  

Friday, January 17, 2014

Back to the ER: Part 2

Well, I had such a good stretch of not going to the hospital, then BAM.  Twice in one week.  Last night as I was getting out of the bath I started feeling really dizzy, so I sat down for a while.  Then I thought I was going to be sick and the dizziness had subsided some, so I got up to puke and all of a sudden I was smashed against the bathroom door and the wall.  Luckily (I think) I had my hair all tied up in a towel so it was essentially a helmet. But it was also an extra 10 lbs pulling my head back.  So I don't know.

Anyways, when I came to I couldn't move without so much pain it made me feel ill.  But I managed to get out of the way so that Blake could help me and we got to the hospital somehow.  I felt terrible and awkward because apparently it was the same nurse and doctor that I had Monday.  The doctor came in and talked to Blake like he had really read my history or something and it was a little strange until Blake explained.  Queue the shame.  And I know I shouldn't be ashamed, but I am.  I hate that one day I can be mostly normal and fully functional, and the next be so completely mental that it takes multiple police officers to strap me down to a bed so I don't hurt myself running away from a man that doesn't even exist.

So, derailed a bit there.  But yeah.  Sprained neck, lots of bruises, massive headache.  That's pretty much the gist of it.

In other news, I REALLY need to find a cardiologist.  This shit is getting annoying.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Back to the ER

Monday was miserable.  I don't know exactly how it went down, or what happened, but I remember sitting at home feeling like it was the end of the world.  I was definitely going to die.

Then I was in the bus station.  He told me to sit there and not move or the device in my head would explode and kill me.  I could NOT stand up.  I could NOT move from that seat.  I was at the bus station for at least a couple hours sitting there.  Alone.  Terrified.

Luckily Blake was able to locate me and come to my aid.  But it wasn't enough.  I didn't really know who he was.  I was terrified.  Several police and EMTs took me off to the hospital to strap me down and give me a dozen shots of I don't know what and strap me down some more because I was freaking out.  I don't remember much, but apparently I was able to get out of all the restraints and was running down the street before the police brought me back and strapped me down some more and better.

I now have bruises all over, I'm feeling miserable, and I have no idea what to do.  I tried to find a new psychiatrist, but no one is accepting Medicaid.  The only place in town that I could get in with could get me in as early as the middle of March!  This was in response to my follow up in 1-2 days from the ER.

All this craziness with the ACA is really messing with the ability of anyone to get in to the doctor to get the services they need.  I'm really kicking myself for not working harder the last couple months to get in solidly with my doctors.

So now I'm sucking it up and hoping that I can get in with the shittiest psychiatrist I've ever heard of just so I can maybe get something to help me in an emergency like what happened Monday.  I don't know.  We'll see.  It's an hour drive to see him, and I already know he's shit.  My therapist tried to talk me out of it even.  So you know it can't be good.

I don't know.  Something has to happen.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Weight Loss

Given all the talk of eating healthy, losing weight, and exercising more going around right now I figure I might as well re-evaluate myself.  I've not been exercising as much as I would like, so it's really time to start looking for new doctors.  I need to get back on at least some of my meds so that I can actually function again.  No more putting it off and just dealing with the pain.  So once office open up again I'm finding a doctor even if they're crap so I can at least get some referrals.

Meanwhile, I'm going to change my diet.  More raw veggies and more calories per day.  I always think I eat so many calories, but when I write it down I'm really not getting enough.  I'm going to try to go back to planning my meals for the week ahead of time.  So often I don't have many option because I never know what to get at the grocery so I just don't really eat.  No more of that.  I think I'm going to go get more food storage containers that I can freeze to make prep a lot easier.

I'd really like to lose at least 50 lbs this year, but for right now I'll focus on just losing 15.  So here goes. 

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

I'm finally home!

I'm so happy to finally be home and able to hug Blake!  Two weeks is far too long to be away from home and away from my computer.  However, I want so badly to move to the Pacific Northwest more than ever before.  It was so beautiful out there and the weather was amazing.

Unfortunately, I also discovered that I am no longer cut out for flying.  I used to LOVE flying.  I love airports and watching the planes, but my heart was not happy with all the pressure changes associated with flying.  I passed out several times on take off and landing of each flight and on 2 of them were met by paramedics to make sure everything was okay.  Not fun.  Which also means that I should actually try a little harder to find another cardiologist.  Boo.

So no more flying for me.  Luckily, I also really like trains!

But yeah.  My sister got married and all seemed to go well.  It was a pretty stressful couple of weeks but it all worked out.

So now back to real life and trying to sort things out.  I had to get some labs drawn yesterday (that I was supposed to have done before I left for OR) and it ended up being 12 vials and a few grand.  Hopefully it's worth it and they find something to give me some answers.

And now back to trying to clean up the disaster that happens when you leave someone home alone for too long.