Thursday, March 20, 2014


I've been sleeping a lot lately. It seems like all I want to do is sleep and cry. It's sunny today, but still in the 30's. Hopefully it will warm up this afternoon and I can get out and go for a walk. Or at least sit on the patio with a cup of coffee. I don't know. I know I should make myself get out and do something.

I want to make pancakes. I've gotten one or two things out to make them several times in the last 12 hours but I just can't get the motivation to actually do it. They sound good and it makes me happy to cook things, but I just get so stuck. I don't know.

At least I managed to do the laundry and dishes yesterday. I even paid some bills. So at least I'm not completely useless. I just really hate this feeling and now I no longer have a therapist because I saw her for the last time earlier this week, and it's too late to get a new psychiatrist because I'm leaving in a month and there would be no point because I would have no one to make adjustments. But I know I need to do something or find some way to make it happen because my hallucinations are getting a little worse and I know the things I'm thinking just aren't right. So we'll see.

I've got a headache this morning and the city has decided to mess with their tornado sirens. They usually do a short test on Fridays at 11a, but today they did a 10 minute something where the siren just kept winding up and getting loud and then making weird noises. I don't know. But if it goes off again at 11a I'm giving up on today and just going back to bed. **EDIT: I just realized it's not even Friday.

Meanwhile, I need coffee and food.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

There goes Monday

Well, apparently I had another seizure on Sunday and lost another couple of days. Not really sure what the situation was that caused it, but I'm going to assume it was because of the recent miscarriage. I've been taking it a lot harder than most of the others. I don't know what to do. I go back in for a follow up later this week, but I think we're done trying. I can't handle it anymore. All the tests come back normal and every time they just tell me it's a fluke. But how many times does something have to happen for it to not be a fluke anymore?

I still have that appt with the RE on the 21st, so I guess I'll go ahead and keep that. Depending what he says we'll make a decision on what to do then, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I think it's probably time to give up on this dream and move on somehow.

Hopefully moving to Oregon will at least improve my mobility and health a little and I can maybe get out and get a job or something. If I'm never going to have a kid then there's nothing keeping me from taking more risks. Starting with exercise. I'm so sick of having to be so careful not to hurt myself. I want to run and I don't care if it means I'm stuck in bed for several days following. I miss it and I clearly need more exercise anyways, so I'm doing it.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Only 8 weeks.

I only made it 8 weeks this time.  Nothing obvious on the ultrasound this morning to signify why their hearts stopped.  I'm so sick of being here in this situation.  Since I've already started miscarrying I opted to just let it happen naturally instead of getting yet another D&C. 

I want to move now even more than before.  I just want to get out of here and run away from all this shit.