Friday, June 20, 2014

It's always the little things.

I never thought that a termination of benefits letter could hurt so much. I was definitely not expecting to see those three little words today. I was actually excited when I saw the envelope to open it and see that "not an Indiana resident" part. I was not expecting to be suddenly thrown in to thinking about the twins.

I am so glad that Blake got a job yesterday so I don't have to feel guilty for all the alcohol I'm going to be buying and drinking tonight.


Blake got a job!!!

He had an interview yesterday and apparently he's so awesome they called him an hour later and offered him the job! Now if only this apartment we're going to look at tomorrow isn't shit things will finally be falling in to place!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

I can't take it much longer.

Don't get me wrong, I actually really enjoy the family we're staying with. My cousins are a lot of fun to hang out with, my aunt is really nice, and my uncle is a lot funnier than his kids give him credit for. But I am a pretty private person and I need to be alone for my own sanity. I don't like people knowing how broken I am and having to pretend like I'm totally fine all the time is exhausting. It's what has caused me time and again to require inpatient treatment. I need a place to call home. I would be happy if that place was my car. I just need to not be around people all day every day.

We've been searching craigslist looking for shared housing since we can't really afford a place of our own until Blake gets a job, but no one wants to rent to a couple. It's really lame. I have found so many really awesome places, but no such luck. The most frustrating part is that so many of them don't even reply. The first week I replied to 57 CL ads and only 3 got back to me. Of course, all three of those were unwilling to rent to a couple, but at least they actually acknowledged me!

So frustrating.

Also, I want a real bed. An air mattress on the floor in the living room is only acceptable for so long.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

What could have been...

I've spent the large majority of my day curled up on the couch with my teddy bear crying and staring at a perfect ultrasound picture of our daughter that would have been due today. My husband was nice enough to bring me a bottle of wine and a chocolate bar and cry with me for a while.

I can't help but think of the what ifs and dream of what could have been. It's days like this that make me wonder how I could ever give up on having kids. I need to be back on my meds and I need to take time to get myself physically and mentally healthy again, but fucking hell I want a baby to hold in my arms and not just look at on a screen months/years after their heart has stopped beating.

Fuck today.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

The junk in my trunk.

We're finally on our way back to Colorado to get our car! Hopefully the next two days on the train aren't too awful. With any luck I'll be able to drug myself enough to sleep through most of it and avoid getting motion sick.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Portland, OR?

Ha. Just realized I completely forgot to update when we finally made it!

Well, we're here. Made it here May 22nd. We have been frantically searching for jobs and housing ever since. We just got the call from the body shop that the car is fixed, so I got a train ticket and I'll pick it up Monday.

We met with a girl today about a place to live and I'm really hoping it's going to work out. With any luck, by the time I get back worth the car, we'll actually have a place to unpack our things!

Oh, and I managed to convince Blake to let me get Robo Rally! I fucking love this game and I can't wait to have more people to play it with. If you have never played it you should. And if you're in the market for a new game, this is it.