Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Time-lapse Road Trip!

No sound yet, but I'm working on it. I no longer have the video editor I used to use so I'm trying to figure things out still. But here's what I have so far. For whatever reason a lot of the videos didn't save correctly, so it's not as complete as we were hoping. But yeah. Enjoy.

I'm working on adding photos, but I'm having trouble right now. So you'll have to wait even longer for that!

Sing With Me

I've never really been in to music. I know, it's weird. I'm just not much of a music person. I enjoy singing along to songs that are fun to sing to, but as for the actual music I just have no real appreciation. If music stopped being a thing tomorrow I probably wouldn't even notice for a couple years.

That is, except lately I've been listening to music 24/7 and I am so thankful for it. It's the only thing that can drown out the voices and noises and whatever else. I went in to the kitchen this morning to get my coffee and the dishwasher was trying to give me advice. It's like I'm stuck in a fucking kids book. The air conditioner is probably next.

A couple days ago I was out exercising and B got home early so he came with me for part of my walk. It was really nice having him there. We had a few really good conversations and he made me laugh a lot. We got home and showered and then I was going to borrow the car to get some groceries. I go out to get in the car and it's not there. I freak out thinking it's been stolen. I go back inside to ask him if he maybe parked it somewhere else, but I couldn't find him.

Sure enough, he didn't get home early. I was that crazy person laughing and talking and holding conversation with myself for an hour. I was the one yelling at the wall outside the complex when I thought he was there yelling at me.

Usually I can tell a difference and know when something is likely just a hallucination, but lately it's been getting harder to tell. I'm afraid to leave the apartment when things like this start happening. There are so many what ifs and so many awful scenarios that I just can't let myself risk.

So until I can manage to find doctors and get back on meds this is my life. But at least I have the internet and my fans at the NSA always watching me.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Lasting affects of abuse

Sometimes it's the little things that can be the most hurtful. I mean, years of intensive therapy and I finally begin to think I can have a normal conversation about sex without having a panic attack or feeling like a worthless piece of shit. But nope. It all comes flooding back. Terrified to say or do something wrong. To dress wrong. To laugh too loudly or at the wrong time. What people must think when they see me.

Maybe it's just the crazy combination of things going on in my life right now (and that's probably at least playing a role), but I think mostly it's just that certain assholes have completely ruined my ability to think about sex and not want to scream. I want to be able to enjoy sex. I want to be able to not require buckets of anxiety medicine to do so. I hate that people took that away from me and I'm having to fight so hard to get even a sliver of it back. 

Even just reading about others having a good time is enough to turn me to a puddle of tears. I hate the memories that I can't forget. I hate that they are all so vivid. I hate them. A lot. I can try to ignore them and pretend everything is fine for a while, but that never works out. 

I really was doing so well. Then I started hallucinating pretty badly the night before last and it's been on my mind constantly since then. I feel completely helpless to it all and completely stuck. I know with the way things are I need to go to the hospital, but I'm really hoping to be able to push through it and deal with it at home. Hopefully as my stress levels go down my symptoms will as well.

It's been 8 years since the last time I was sexually abused and 18 since the first time. It all feels like it just happened. Like no matter what I try to do I can't escape it. I think I'm fine. Things are going well for several months, then BAM. Back to square 2. I'm over it.

But I guess that's just all the more reason I should be trying a little harder to find a therapist.  

Monday, July 21, 2014

Finding a therapist.

It's long past time I should have started looking for a new therapist. I hate the search for a therapist. It's awful and unless there's some magical luck that I fell in it's going to be long. Talking to therapist after therapist that I don't really click with and not wanting to actually say anything until I'm comfortable with them which only causes more stress and makes me just want to say fuck it all.

Ugh. But I will do it. I've had the same therapist all my life, except for a year when I moved away for college and tried to find a new one but gave up after seeing 4 idiots. We'll see.

It's time to start getting my shit together for real. First things first, get back on all my meds. Which I'm really looking forward to actually. I'm so sick of being in pain and needing help to get out of bed. And being too crazy to leave the apartment. I want to not feel trapped for any reason. I got most of my insurance nonsense figured out, now I just need to make sure I know how this crazy Oregon insurance stuff really works.

But not today. Today I'm relaxing and enjoying my fresh baked cookies and finishing reading my book.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Things change.

Well, we finally had the long dreaded talk about what to do after the consult with the RE.

I may or may not go ahead and follow through with getting the saline sono, but there doesn't seem to be much of a point. We've decided to no continue seeking treatment. B isn't comfortable with the odds and I completely support him in what he wants to do. I can't say I wasn't really hoping to find a way to make this work, but it is what it is.

So we'll just do our thing, go back to school for whatever we want to do since we don't really have to worry about having a good job to support a family. I don't know. We'll figure it out.

This week has been quite the roller coaster. I just want to sleep for a few weeks and hope this was all just some fucked up dream/nightmare.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Happy Birthday!

Another year and I'm still here chugging along. Seems absurd how much can happen in a single year. So much.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Experiments or Surrogacy.

Well, after talking with the RE yesterday she wants to re-do the saline sono since it's been a few years and it wasn't done by an RE (which I'm all for, because this seems like our only hope). After looking at our records and labs she's pretty confident that my best options (assuming the sono is normal) are going to be experimental treatments that may or may not be beneficial, that would also include a high probability of more miscarriages, or just finding a surrogate.

So yeah, I don't know. I think talking to her made me want to try more and him want to just give up. So we'll have to figure that out before anything else. And there's still the possibility of fostering or adoption. Hopefully we'll get that figured out and decide what we're most comfortable with soon.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Fertility Clinic

We're going to the meet and greet at the fertility clinic this evening. I'm not sure what to expect. Hopefully I'll leave feeling a little more confident that there's even a little hope for something ever working out. I don't know. We'll at least get a general idea of cost, so that will be helpful.

I also got in contact with DHS and am very happy to say that I was not automatically turned down (I was in Indiana) for fostering/adoption! There are still quite a few extra hoops to jump through, but at least there are hoops and not just a brick wall! (Thank you so much ND for suggesting I try again!)

I've been having a hard time lately being stuck in this weird limbo not knowing if we're definitely going to be childless or not. Finding out about the chance to foster/adopt makes me a lot more hopeful, but very cautiously so.

In other news, we finally got our AC installed last week and it's been glorious. Finally starting to really feel like home.

I've still been having a pretty rough time with hallucinations, but hopefully I'll be able to get in to a doctor before I end up inpatient again. I've been listening to a lot of music recently to try and drown it all out and it's helping some, but it only does so much. I'm sure once my stress levels go down some a lot of things will get better, but until then it's really frustrating.

I tried to figure out insurance stuff again this morning and got handed off to three different people before being sent back to the office I called in the first place and just gave up. I'm going to just have to go in to the office in person at some point, I think. I hate trying to deal with all this. I am all for the ACA, but damn did it make a lot of things a lot more confusing.

Anyways, I'm finally working on sorting through pictures of the trip. So hopefully I'll get some of those posted soon!

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

So fucking close!

We got the call that we can finally move in! Except she's leaving in 30 minutes so we have to wait until tomorrow to get the keys and sign papers.

But still. It's actually finally happening!!! Not sure how we'll get it all worked out, but luckily Blake now works right down the street so it should be easy enough. AH! I'm so excited right now.