As many of you are aware, I haven't been on psych meds for roughly 18 months. Things were up and down, but I was managing to stay out of the hospital. Unfortunately, it couldn't last forever. Two weeks ago I was having a really rough day. My hallucinations were getting pretty bad and I began having command hallucinations along with derogatory voices yelling at me. Later that night I tried to kill myself like the voices were telling me to, but luckily my husband was right there and got me to the hospital.
After a couple days in the ER waiting for a bed to open up I got banished to the tower (the name of the part of the psych ward I was in) for another week and a half. I'm doing much better now, but still not doing great. I'm back on meds, though, so that start helping more soon. I wasn't excited about it, but atypical anti-psychotics just don't really work all that well for me, so I'm stuck with the older ones that have a much higher rate of dangerous side effects. But if it helps me feel okay, it's worth it.
The hardest part was deciding to go back (and stay) on the meds knowing I would not see Jackson again while on them. My beautiful baby boy is gone. I've watched him grow up over the years even though he's been ashes this whole time. My psychosis has kept him alive, so to speak. And now that I'm on meds to get rid of the hallucinations, I will no longer be seeing him. It's been the hardest part of all this.
I keep telling myself that going back on meds is the best decision because then I can begin the process to see if I'll be allowed to may one day be a foster parent. I'm not very hopeful about it, but it's something I want to do. It gives me a goal and a reason to keep taking the pills. However, it also makes me feel like I'm throwing away my ability to "see" Jackson so that I can replace him. Which I know is just ridiculous, but it doesn't make the feelings not there. So it's been rough, but hopefully soon it will get easier.
I'll end it there. Sorry for just a downer of a post and hopefully it actually makes sense. I go cross eyed trying to proof read it, but I don't see any big red lines, so I'll call it good enough for now.