Saturday, December 5, 2015

You're So Strong!

**Angry rant incoming.**

You know what? Fuck you. It's not like I had much of a choice. You might as well tell me "you've been through a lot of really terrible shit, I'm so happy for you!"

How is this a compliment? Why is it so common to hear? No one is strong because their life has been uneventful or happy or carefree. They're strong because it was the only way to survive. They're strong because they have to be. They're strong because the option of being weak or passive was ripped away from them. They lost that option. It wasn't a choice they made.

It makes me so angry when people go around telling someone going through cancer treatment or recovering from a terrible tragedy that they're so strong and how it's a good thing. Like it somehow makes what they're going through okay because they can totally handle it. Or that it makes it easier for them because they have already been through so much to make them strong that whatever they're going through now must not be as hard for them as it would be otherwise. But that's even more bullshit. Of course it's difficult for them! And they shouldn't have to feel like they're somehow letting people down by falling apart because people build up this idea that they have to be so damn strong. (more on that HERE)

To all the strong people out there, I'm sorry you have to be so strong. I'm sorry you've ever had to be strong. I'm sorry for whatever made you strong in the first place.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Joan Alda

"I got a much greater understanding of what she went through – especially the idea that her hallucinations took place in the same part of her brain that all of our nightmares take place. I have experienced what she went through, except I could wake up from it, and she never could." 

-Alan Alda speaking of his mother's battle with schizophrenia in an '05 interview with USA Today

Friday, March 27, 2015

It's Spring!

Well, it's finally spring! The sunshine is killing me. I was really hoping for more overcast/cloudy days when we moved here. Oh well! Still better than the feet of snow in the winter and heat and humidity in the summer!

So the Abilify was a bust. It didn't seem to help much and it caused some really bad edema in my left leg/foot. I never really got to see if it would help or not. So I'm back to the higher dose of Haldol while we wait. I'm not sure I want to bother adding anything else right now. Is it even worth it? I mean, the Haldol works, it just makes me blah. And that's even getting better now that I've been taking it longer. Plus it doesn't make me gain weight like so many others do.

My bigger concern is that I'm hoping to get pregnant soon and when I do I'll be going off my meds altogether because I'm not willing to take those risks.

Speaking of getting pregnant, I will be scheduling my saline sonohystogram soon and once that gets done we can hopefully either figure out what's going on or just try and see what happens. I've got to get lucky eventually, right? Ugh. That sounds awful. But I want a kid so fucking bad.

As terrified as I am that it might ever be a reality, I still want a kid. My life just seems so empty right now. I love having the kids from the neighborhood over. I love it more than I can explain. Watching Blake play with them and teach them things and how he interacts with them. *sigh* It's what I want more than anything else in the world.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

New meds and babies

Well, we were trying to add Abilify in hopes of lowering my dose of Haldol. I'm thinking it's not going to work. I've been having more and more symptoms recently. At first I thought it was fine, but it's been a few weeks now and the hallucinations are coming back.

After a birth control failure and chemical pregnancy we've decided to think about starting to try for a baby again. While this is super exciting news, it's also terrifying. I don't want to be on any psych meds while pregnant and I'm iffy about it while trying to get pregnant. So that means learning to deal with the hallucinations and paranoia again. I've been having a hard time with auditory hallucinations recently. They're so distracting. I usually know they're hallucinations, but still.

Blake is scared about me going off the meds. I'm totally ready to stop them. I know I can do this. It's not going to be easy, but I can do it. It'll be a few months before that happens, so plenty of conversations about it to be had. But I think I can do it.

I need to take a few months to make sure my vit B levels are where they should be since I've had a history of spina bifida. I don't want to risk that. So at my appointment today I'll be asking for a new prescription of methyl folate. I've only been taking it sporadically the last few months.

Monday, February 2, 2015

Living Childless

It's hard to accept that I will likely never have a child. It's hard to accept that we will grow old never knowing what might have been. It's hard to accept all of it. I want a kid more than almost anything else in this world. The only things I want more are my life and my husband. And the first is a struggle some days.

It breaks my heart when I see Blake outside playing with the neighborhood kids. Knowing that he'll never get to play like that with his own child. That there will be no child. It brings me to tears, and I'm not much of a cryer. It's only been 6 months since we've decided to stop trying, but I can't help hoping we'll change our minds one day. I know the likelihood is slim, but I'm still relatively young and we have time. Physically I'm getting worse and mentally I'll likely only go downhill, so young for me and young for others is a bit different. But I'm still young nonetheless. I hate that the thing that keeps me going is holding on to that slim little bit of hope that maybe we're not done. That maybe we will try again.

I know it's time to move on and that it's selfish of me to want to bring a kid in to what could undoubtedly be a complicated upbringing. But it is what it is.

I'm looking for new hobbies. Hopefully I can find something to fill my time and distract me enough to help me move on. I want to exercise more, but that's just been causing me more pain lately, so we'll see. We're hoping to get a treadmill soon. So fingers crossed that actually happens. I miss running.

My sewing machine is broken, so I'm hoping to take it in to be fixed soon. I should have had it done by now, but I kept putting it off. This Haldol is killing my mood. I never feel like doing anything anymore. Next time I see the psychiatrist I think I'm going to ask to switch meds. It's not helping my mood when I can't make myself want to do anything.