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Friday, March 27, 2015

It's Spring!

Well, it's finally spring! The sunshine is killing me. I was really hoping for more overcast/cloudy days when we moved here. Oh well! Still better than the feet of snow in the winter and heat and humidity in the summer!

So the Abilify was a bust. It didn't seem to help much and it caused some really bad edema in my left leg/foot. I never really got to see if it would help or not. So I'm back to the higher dose of Haldol while we wait. I'm not sure I want to bother adding anything else right now. Is it even worth it? I mean, the Haldol works, it just makes me blah. And that's even getting better now that I've been taking it longer. Plus it doesn't make me gain weight like so many others do.

My bigger concern is that I'm hoping to get pregnant soon and when I do I'll be going off my meds altogether because I'm not willing to take those risks.

Speaking of getting pregnant, I will be scheduling my saline sonohystogram soon and once that gets done we can hopefully either figure out what's going on or just try and see what happens. I've got to get lucky eventually, right? Ugh. That sounds awful. But I want a kid so fucking bad.

As terrified as I am that it might ever be a reality, I still want a kid. My life just seems so empty right now. I love having the kids from the neighborhood over. I love it more than I can explain. Watching Blake play with them and teach them things and how he interacts with them. *sigh* It's what I want more than anything else in the world.

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

New meds and babies

Well, we were trying to add Abilify in hopes of lowering my dose of Haldol. I'm thinking it's not going to work. I've been having more and more symptoms recently. At first I thought it was fine, but it's been a few weeks now and the hallucinations are coming back.

After a birth control failure and chemical pregnancy we've decided to think about starting to try for a baby again. While this is super exciting news, it's also terrifying. I don't want to be on any psych meds while pregnant and I'm iffy about it while trying to get pregnant. So that means learning to deal with the hallucinations and paranoia again. I've been having a hard time with auditory hallucinations recently. They're so distracting. I usually know they're hallucinations, but still.

Blake is scared about me going off the meds. I'm totally ready to stop them. I know I can do this. It's not going to be easy, but I can do it. It'll be a few months before that happens, so plenty of conversations about it to be had. But I think I can do it.

I need to take a few months to make sure my vit B levels are where they should be since I've had a history of spina bifida. I don't want to risk that. So at my appointment today I'll be asking for a new prescription of methyl folate. I've only been taking it sporadically the last few months.